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A LAUGH A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY HUMOUR

#41 User is offline   doppelganger 

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Posted 08 February 2004 - 01:21 PM

think that some journalist's are not sure if they are real or something, but found this in the ODT hen looking for otherstuff
Nothing ventured . .
When I read of the ACC's problems with money management at the top I realised it was time they had the benefit of some of my unsolicited advice.

I am not an authority on accidents in my own right - my only claim has been for bashing my finger with a rock while gardening - but the list of claims from those in my immediate family surely establishes my credentials by proxy.

In order to convince you, I have tried to compile a dossier of them which will support my later argument. Fear of retribution has stopped me from identifying which family members were involved in the various incidents, but the cleverer among you will be able to take some educated guesses.

The list is as follows:


Three eye injuries (two from vegetation jumping in during fishing expeditions, one from sand).

Three injuries involving vehicles (two attempts at tooth extraction without an anaesthetic by bicycle and scooter, one broken collarbone and shoulder injury from a motorbike accident - all naturally the fault of a woman motorist).

Three broken arms (one touch rugby, one mini-ball, one rugby).

At least two broken ribs (one Christmas Day exhibition on a trampoline by someone who thought they were 20 years younger, and one resulting from a dramatic death scene at a "murder" evening. On the latter occasion it turned out that he was not actually the victim and did not need to "die" after all).

Four hand injuries (one involving an argument with a closing door, one a tussle with the petrol-driven hedge clippers, one from volleyball, and one from attempting to break into his own vehicle after he had locked the keys inside).

Innumerable pulled muscles (including those from mowing the lawn, installing a new grill in the oven, playing sport and coughing).

One chin laceration (caused by falling up stairs).

One tongue laceration (swing accident).

There are probably more, but they are possibly too painful to recall. As you will note, the common thing about them all is that they involve some sort of activity (coupled with a smidgeon of stupidity, recklessness, or fecklessness in some instances).

My family's experience strongly suggests the ACC has got it all wrong.

It should forget its insistence on getting people to warm up before games and things like not using your back like a crane. It could save itself an awful lot of money by just encouraging people to do nothing.

Its next television advertisement could feature someone lying in bed watching television with a selection of home-delivered fast food on hand (no risk of any burns from cooking or falls when getting long-lost ingredients out of high cupboards). The slogans could be Nothing Ventured, Nothing Sprained and It's Elementary to be Sedentary.

T here might be a few possible injuries associated with extensive use of the remote control, showering (and possibly toileting), but viewers could be encouraged to undertake training to keep such activities to a minimum.

This would be a great thing for the Government - we would all probably die younger, so there would be less drain on the superannuation scheme.

Those inconsiderate enough to linger on and contract debilitating diseases would find the waiting lists for treatment at the hospitals (if they could manage to find a hospital) were so long that they would probably die anyway.

Yes, I'm sure the bureaucrats and number-crunchers will go for it - my problem will be keeping my family members away from the Accident and Emergency Department long enough to convince them that it's a good idea.




Wednesday, 8-October 1997
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#42 User is offline   flowers 

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Posted 02 April 2004 - 02:01 PM

The very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to an extremely attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

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#43 User is offline   Tomcat 

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Posted 21 September 2004 - 09:10 PM

BODY MEETING
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.


"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".


"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."


"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."


"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."


"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.


Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.


The Moral of the story?


The asshole is usually in charge.
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#44 User is offline   Tomcat 

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Posted 29 September 2004 - 12:22 PM

A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro.

He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kmph,and was enjoying the
wind blowing through
his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a police car
behind him, blue lights flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it
some more, and flew down the road at over 210 KPH to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of
thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car
to catch up with him.

The policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's
side.

"Sir my shift ends in five minutes.
If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard
before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said,
"Last week my wife ran off with a policeman, and I thought you were bringing
her back."

The policeman said, "Have a nice day."
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#45 User is offline   flowers 

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Posted 05 October 2004 - 07:43 AM


Start Each Day With A Positive Outlook:


1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "ACC or your favourite casemanagers name."
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to permanently delete ACC?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.

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#46 User is offline   flowers 

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Posted 06 October 2004 - 09:21 AM

????

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#47 User is offline   doppelganger 

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  Posted 16 October 2004 - 10:37 PM

Verse 1:
When so called faces with the so cold traces
Are staring at places their mind in other spaces
We got the liquor to wake you up
No time to figure just take a cup
The time has come to set ya brain on fire
With my tongue as my freedom fighter
If you can`t dance to this you can`t dance at all
New definition of ORIGINAL
So push it,push it.......
And pull it,pull it........



Verse 2:
It is impossible to think negative
With a blunt lick,with a blunt lick
No pop no style-I`m a Mighty Root
No pop no style-I`m a Mighty Root

ERNTEZIIT:
Verse:If you look back in history
War has always lost
Do you want the future to be
Full of hatred and loss
`cause the earth is no battlefield
Throw away your sword and shield
`cause money can`t make you happy
It is peace and love that does
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#48 Guest_snorbicus_*

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Posted 05 November 2004 - 02:01 PM

There ya go boy's ... I knew I was right all along ...

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#49 User is offline   Accme 

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Posted 05 November 2004 - 05:53 PM

:P :P :P Makes note to self, must add this to IRP :D :D :D
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#50 User is offline   Britts 

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Posted 06 November 2004 - 07:15 PM

one for the boys

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#51 User is offline   flowers 

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Posted 25 November 2004 - 06:43 PM

I,m sure we can all relate to this bit of nuatical nonsense.

RUM, SODOMY & THE LIFEJACKET

It's almost 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich. But before he was allowed to board an RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th century admiral's uniform.
......................................................................................................

How would Nelson have fared if he's been subject to modern health and safety regulations ...................

..........You are now on the deck of the recently renamed British Flagship, HMS Apeasement.

"Order the signal. Hardy."

"Aye, aye, sir."

"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this? "

"Sorry, sir?"

"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?"

"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunity employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered rascist."

"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

"Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

"Good heavens. Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

"I think you'll find that there's a 4 mph speed limit in this stretch of water."

"Dammit, man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

"That won't be possible, sir."

"What?"

"Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they say that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

"Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card."

"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

"Whatever next? Give me a full sail. The salt spray beckons."

"A couple of problems there, too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

"What? This is mutiny."

"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers onboard, watching everyone like hawks."

"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

"Actually, sir, we're not."

"We're not?"

"No, sir. The Frenchies and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."

"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules."

"Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum sodomy and the lash?"

"As I explained sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

"What about sodomy?"

"I believe it's to be encouraged sir."

"In that case - kiss me Hardy."
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#52 User is offline   fairgo 

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Posted 28 November 2004 - 08:18 PM

Last year I replaced all the windows in my townhouse with those expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the
Contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago
and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy, oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I
am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast
talking sales guy had told me last year........ that in one year the
windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I
haven't heard back. Guess I won THAT argument!
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#53 User is offline   fairgo 

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Posted 28 November 2004 - 08:22 PM

Just when one thinks they have seen it all, I visit a brand new building in
Wellington, they have mobility parks close to the entrance to the
building.... but they have a steel fence across it bolted into the tarmac.
You just have to laugh don't ya!

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#54 Guest_IDB_*

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Posted 18 December 2004 - 01:48 PM

Scroll down all you clever people.


Subject: Fw: : For the Mathematically Minded








keep on scrolling

















What Makes 100%?


From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:


H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BullshiT and Ass kissing that will put you over the top
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#55 User is offline   doppelganger 

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Posted 24 December 2004 - 05:37 PM

who rememberd chemerstry at school
HONG KONG Dec 22, 2004 Hong Kong officials are pulling "Fart Bomb" toys from the shelves because the gag gift a metallic bag that gives off a stench produces a dangerous chemical reaction, the government said.

The sulfur-acid mixture produced by the toy can cause nausea, headaches and eye irritation, the government said in a statement Tuesday.

Customs officers have seized 263 "Fart Bombs" and are urging parents to hand in their unused toys to a consumer protection bureau, it said.

The toy includes a silver-colored bag containing sulfur compound powder and an inner plastic bag of diluted acid, the government said.

When the inner bag is broken, the chemicals mix producing hydrogen sulfide and "giving off a disgusting smell," the statement said.
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#56 User is offline   Easyrider 

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Posted 24 December 2004 - 07:28 PM

Now ACC have restored my entitlements after telling lies to get me suspended. Mabey a nice chrissy pressie from me to to should be a personalised plate. So i went looking in plates.co.nz and found one that would look nice on my car, and suit the purpose. Congratulations, your plate idea is currently available!

ACCLIE

I wanted ACCSUK but it showed up that plate is not for realse.
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#57 User is offline   flowers 

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Posted 01 January 2005 - 08:18 AM

For All you pussycats out there.

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#58 User is offline   Juscallin1 

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Posted 01 January 2005 - 01:37 PM

:P That is really cute Flowers! Thanks and happy New year to you too.
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#59 Guest_IDB_*

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Posted 06 January 2005 - 08:24 PM

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do they get the koalas to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an alge bra?

28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

29. How is it possible to have a civil war?

30. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

31. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

32. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

33. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

34. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

35. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

36. Why is the alphabet in that order?? Is it because of that song?

37. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

38. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
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#60 Guest_IDB_*

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Posted 09 January 2005 - 10:58 PM

some more :

Only in Canada......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Canada......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in Canada......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Canada......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in Canada......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in Canada.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in Canada......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
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