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A LAUGH A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY HUMOUR

#21 User is offline   BillyBob 

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Posted 05 November 2003 - 02:30 PM

Joke for today!!



guy walks in to the Barbershop. Barber says, "What will it be today?" Guy says, "well I want it going with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other, and just make it all out of shape and messed up." Barber says, "Now why in the world do you want your hair cut like that."

Guy says, "That’s how you cut it last time"
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#22 User is offline   Tipster007 

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  Posted 06 November 2003 - 06:35 PM

Only the Irish…

On Visual Mathematics:

Paddy went into the fish market to apply for a job.
The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Paddy hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was - "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Paddy says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Paddy says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss. "

The second questions, same rules, but represent 99".
Paddy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
"Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Paddy answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Paddy so he says,

"All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."
Paddy stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!"
He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."
The boss looks at Paddy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."
He then tells Paddy, "Go on, Paddy, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Paddy leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says,

"A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got –

dirty tree an' a turd,
and dirty tree an' a turd,
and dirty tree an' a turd,
which makes 100 init."

When do I start my job boss?!"



Tipster007


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#23 Guest_flwrznz_*

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Posted 11 November 2003 - 07:14 AM

TO: PERSONNEL. FROM: GENERAL MANAGER Accident Compensation Corporation


DATE: AS POSTMARK

DEAR case cur.

EARLY RETIREMENT PROGRAMME

As a result of automation, as well as a declining workload, Management
Must, of necessity/ take steps to reduce the current workforce. A
"Reduction of. Employees" programme: has been devised which seems the most
Equitable under the circumstances.

Under this plan older employees wi11 be placed in early retirement thus
Permitting the retention of employees who represent the future of the
Corporation.

Therefore, a programme to phase out the older personnel (over 40) by
The end of the current financial year will be put into effect immediately-
This programme will be known AS "KÜLL".
Employees who are "KÜLLED" will be given the opportunity -to seek other jobs
Within the Company/ provided that, while they are "KÜLLED" they request a
Review of their employment status before actual retirement takes place.

This phase of the programme wi11 be know as "SKREW" (Survey of
Kapabilities of Retired Early Workers) - All employees who have been
"KÜLLED" and "SKREWED" may apply for a final review.

This phase will be known as "STUƒƒED" (Study of Termination of Use For
Further Education and Development).

Programme policy dictates that employees may be "KÜLLED" once, "SKREWED"
Twice, but can get "STUƒƒED" as many times as the Management sees fit.

SIGNED: General Manager
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#24 User is offline   BillyBob 

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Posted 11 November 2003 - 03:11 PM

well done flwrnz i think that should be posted on all acc notice boards.
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#25 User is offline   BillyBob 

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Posted 12 November 2003 - 06:04 AM

A guy goes to the ACC offices to interview for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you
have any service-related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact, I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an
explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it
doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you,
I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 a.m. to 4 p.m.
Come on in about 10 a.m., and we'll get you started."

The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why do
you want me to come at 10?"
Well," the interviewer replies, "here at the acc, we don't
do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two
hours. No point of you coming in for that."
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#26 Guest_flwrznz_*

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Posted 12 November 2003 - 06:40 AM

hahahaha!

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#27 Guest_flwrznz_*

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Posted 12 November 2003 - 07:23 PM

Quick Eye Exam...




EYE TEST.


This will blow your mind...!





Just do it - don't cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!





Try this its actually quite good.





But don't cheat!





Count the number of F's in the following text:





FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS





Managed it?







Scroll down only after you have counted them!











OK?






How many?











Three?












Wrong, there are six - no joke!







Read again!








FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS



The reasoning is further down...



The brain cannot process the word "OF".




Incredible or what?



Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius

Three is normal.


CRAZY HUH!!??
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#28 User is offline   BillyBob 

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Posted 13 November 2003 - 09:00 AM

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while
Snow White
stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch. However
when
she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she noticed that
the mine
had caved in and there was no sign of the dwarfs. Tearfully she
yelled into
the mine entrance:"Helloooooo - is anyone there? Can anyone hear
me?"
A voice floated up from the deep of the mine:"England will win
the Rugby World Cup"
"Thank goodness" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"
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#29 User is offline   BillyBob 

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Posted 14 November 2003 - 07:37 AM

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl
on her new shiny bike stopped beside him
"Nice bike," the cop said did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety
violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on
the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there
sir,
did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the
d*ck
goes underneath the horse, not on top."
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#30 User is offline   BillyBob 

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Posted 14 November 2003 - 07:12 PM

GO KING CARLOS!!


Carlos Spencer goes into the All Blacks changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
" What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game.We know it's important, but we've just beaten Wales & South Africa in consecutive weeks, and let's face it, it's only Australia. They're crap and we can't be bothered."
Carlos looks at them and says " Well, the way I've been playing recently, I reckon I can beat these guys by myself. So you lads go down to the pub and relax." So Carlos goes out to play Australia by himself while the rest of the New Zealand team go off for a few jars.
After a pint or two they begin to wonder how the game is going, so they ask the landlord to turn the telly on. A big cheer goes up as on the screen reads.."New Zealand 7 - Australia 0 ( Spencer 1 try, 1 conversion, after 10 minutes)....They are ecstatic, he is beating the Wallaby's all by himself!!
After yet a few more pints the game is temporarily forgotten. Suddenly someone yells " Hey it must be full time by now, lets see how Carlos got on!"
They turn on the tv and there it is...Full Time Score,, New Zealand 7 - AUstralia 7 (Sailor 1 try, Burke 1 conversion, after 79 minutes)..
They can't believe it. carlos has single-handedly got a draw against Australia!!
Rushing back to the stadium to congratulate him, they find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down." sobs Carlos. " Don't be daft, you got a draw against Australia all by yourself. And they only scored at the very end!" say his mates. "No, no, I have let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes!!"
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#31 User is offline   Mizbe 

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Posted 18 November 2003 - 09:55 PM

Travelling in a train were a Wallaby, an All Black, a spectacular looking
blonde and an older lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train
happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap
is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the All Black had a big red slap mark
on his cheek.
(1) The blonde thought - "That horrible All Black wanted to touch me and by
mistake, he must have put his hand on the lady, who in turn must have
slapped his face"
(2) The older lady thought - "This dirty All Black laid his hands on the
blonde and she smacked him"
(3) The All Black thought - "That bloody Wallaby put his hand on that
blonde and she slapped me!"
(4) The Wallaby thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can
smack that stupid All Black again."

Mizbe
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#32 User is offline   Mizbe 

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Posted 18 November 2003 - 10:05 PM

An oldie, but rather accurate and appropriate at the moment

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God,
"Where were you?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds.
"Look son, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said,"What is it?" God replied, "It's a planet and I've put LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there is a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of white people in the north and another one of black people in the south".
The archangel then said, "And what's that long white line there?" And God said "Ah - that is New Zealand - the land of the long white cloud and that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; beautiful Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast-line. These people here are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving. And I'm going to give them this superhuman, undefeatable rugby team which will be blessed with the most talented, and charismatic specimens on the planet,
and will be admired and feared by all who come across them" Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then
seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said they're was going to be a balance" God replied wisely "Wait until you see the utterly irritating loud-mouthed w****ers I'm putting next to them"
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#33 Guest_flowers_*

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Posted 16 December 2003 - 12:01 PM

Rising damp?

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#34 Guest_flowers_*

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Posted 22 December 2003 - 07:26 PM

enlarger?

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#35 User is offline   doppelganger 

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Posted 26 December 2003 - 08:19 PM

Was sent this and hope that you get success

REMEMBER to make a wish before you read the poem. That's all you have to do. There is nothing attached. This is a powerful novena. Just send this to four people and let me know what happens on the fourth day.

Do not break this, please. Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of reward.

(Did you make a wish?) If you don't make a wish, it won't come true.

Last Chance to Make a Wish.





May today there be peace within.
May you trust your highest power that you are exactly where you are meant to be....
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you....
May you be content knowing you are a child of God....
Let this presence settle into our bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of you....


Send This to 7 People within the next 5 minutes and your wish will come true.

Please send this back...you'll see why.
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#36 User is offline   doppelganger 

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Posted 27 December 2003 - 10:47 PM

What's New
Hello Insurance Friends! We like to thank you for visiting our site. This section will be dedicated to all kinds of insurance information. Please feel free to send us anything to include in this section. Our site reaches over 1500 insurance candidates and companies each week! If you have anything to send, please email it to [email protected]
Lear & Associates Present the Stella Awards!
January 28, 2003
God bless America, where the "Great American Dream" is.... to be able to sue someone. It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards.
The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.
The following are this year's candidates:
1. A jury of her peers awarded Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, $780,000 after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
2. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
3. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He could not reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
4. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
5. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
6. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his way home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. Left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he could not actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles."
http://www.learsearch.com/whatsnew.asp
and the winners........
It's once again time to review the winners of the annual Stella awards.

The Stella's are named after 81 year old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee
on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella
Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.
Unfortunately the most recent lawsuit implicating McDonald's AND the teens
who allege that eating at McDonald's has made them fat, was filed after the
2002 award voting was closed. This suit will top the 2003 awards list
without question.

5th place (Tied).
Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her
peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running
inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably
surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was MS
Robertson's Son.

5th place (Tied).
19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when
his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently
did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying
to steal the hubcaps.

5th place (Tied).
Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just
finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage
door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He could
not reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage
locked when he pulled it shut. The family were on vacation and Mr. Dickson
found himself locked in the garage for 8 days. He subsisted on a case of
Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the houseowner's
insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The Jury
agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th place.
Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical
expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's
Beagle dog. The Beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award
was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been a little
provoked at the time as Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the
yard was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd place.
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster
Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx
(tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it
at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd place.
Kara Walton of Claymont Delaware sued the owner of a Night Club in a
neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and
knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred whilst Ms. Walton was
trying to crawl through the window in the Ladies Room to avoid paying the
$3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place.
This year's runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,
Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago Motor Home. On his
trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the Freeway, he set
the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the
back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the RV left the
Freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not
advising him that in the owner's manual that he could not actually do this.
The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago Motor Home. The company
actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit just in case there
were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.
http://www.yeoh.us/f...opic.php?t=1177
Hahaha...that first place winner would have to be the most stupid person out...
...yanks aye... (rolling the eyes up!!)
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#37 Guest_flowers_*

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Posted 08 January 2004 - 06:15 PM

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in
progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so damned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd
take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. As fast as she could, the first little old lady
fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower
show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause.

The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."
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#38 Guest_flowers_*

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Posted 09 January 2004 - 07:38 AM

What is a computer's first sign of old age?
Loss of memory.

What does a baby computer call his father?
Data.

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer
keyboard?
The space bar.

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.


To err is human; but to really mess things up
requires a computer.

Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.

What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.

How did the mouse get out of the Russian Cathedral?
He clicked on an icon and opened a window
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#39 Guest_flowers_*

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Posted 17 January 2004 - 12:35 AM

Cat Bathing as a Martial Art

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advise you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend alot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

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#40 Guest_flowers_*

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Posted 04 February 2004 - 11:56 PM

Check this out, a good laugh, be sure to turn your sounds on though.
http://www.code16.com/cat/

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