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A LAUGH A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY HUMOUR

#1 Guest_flwrznz_*

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  Posted 15 September 2003 - 11:17 AM

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

"TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to
remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled .."Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same Police Officer in the area when he noticed the two
ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them
when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00
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#2 Guest_flwrznz_*

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  Posted 16 September 2003 - 04:56 PM

A WOMAN LOOKS AT THE ANIMAL KINGDOM

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children
(who are the size of walnuts while you're sleeping, and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs).
I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You
swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He
EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and he EXPECTS you to have excess body
fat.
Yup..... I wanna be a bear
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#3 User is offline   BillyBob 

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  Posted 17 September 2003 - 09:16 PM

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it
> > deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod
> > are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist
> > and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
> > toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
> > Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef
> > but the wrod as a wlohe.

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#4 Guest_flwrznz_*

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  Posted 19 September 2003 - 11:10 AM

What Are Politics?

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"
His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."

So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."

"You do? Tell me."

"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"


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#5 Guest_flwrznz_*

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Posted 20 September 2003 - 09:55 AM

The bear and the rabbit




There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."
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#6 Guest_flwrznz_*

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Posted 21 September 2003 - 04:45 PM

:huh: PORT OR SHERRY

:) A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed; he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world.


On the other hand, Port makes me fart." :wacko:
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#7 User is offline   BillyBob 

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Posted 25 September 2003 - 10:34 PM

The other night I was invited out for a night with

"the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I

promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down

way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed

for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo

clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wakeup, I

cuckooed another 9 times.


I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted

solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible

conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got

in, and I told him Midnight.


He didn't seem disturbed at all.


Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock"

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our

clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. shit.",

cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed

another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and

then tripped over the cat and farted.
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#8 User is offline   BillyBob 

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Posted 25 September 2003 - 10:37 PM

WHY WE LIKE CHILDREN


NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back
seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"



HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the
garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and
came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little
smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few
days ago.

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the
phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.... Then she
added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting
the bottle."

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then
asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform,
she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the
report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that
right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she
extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van at the station. As I
gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little
boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure
is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of
the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was
unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false
teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of
questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe
this!

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next
morning."

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper
burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton lining,
then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's
son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity
intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the
Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ....and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't
let me talk!"

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up
the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What
have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he
answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
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#9 Guest_flwrznz_*

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Posted 02 October 2003 - 06:23 AM

THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl.
It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!,"he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
"For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Momma Bear who got up first,
it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house,
it was Momma Bear who Made the coffee,
it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away,
it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper,
it was Momma Bear who set the damn table,
it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box,
and filled the cat's water and food dish,
and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs,
and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going
to say this one more time...

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE FRIGGIN PORRIDGE YET !!
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#10 User is offline   BillyBob 

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Posted 17 October 2003 - 02:48 PM

Children's Science Exam Answers:

The following are real answers given by children.

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large

pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends

to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and

nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)

A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and

the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains

the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,

E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section"

A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

:)
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#11 Guest_flwrznz_*

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Posted 22 October 2003 - 07:39 PM

B) Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace...the article read:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before coming to work this morning I have finished off a bottle of Rum, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jim Beam, my Prozac, some valium, a small box of chocolates, 2 slabs of Fosters Lager, a 1/2 can of cider, a large reefer and some cheese.
You have no idea how f*cking good I feel....


You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace...
:wub:
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#12 User is offline   broken 

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Posted 22 October 2003 - 11:07 PM

Paddy & Connor are walking home after a night on the grog. They've got

no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they

find themselves outside the bus depot.

Paddy has a brainwave and says to Connor "Get in there and steal a bus

so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the

police".

Connor duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while

Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his

head around the door and sees Connor running from bus to bus to bus

looking very worried.

"What the bleedin' heck are you doing Connor, get a move on!"

Connor replies "I can't find the 466 anywhere Paddy."

Paddy , holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts

"You dickhead Connor, steal the 400 and we'll get off at the roundabout

and walk the rest of the way!"

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#13 User is offline   everything_ends 

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  Posted 28 October 2003 - 10:20 PM

And you thought sitting behind a desk wasn't a good thing?

Posted Image
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#14 User is offline   Tipster007 

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  Posted 31 October 2003 - 03:58 PM

:lol: Great stuff everyone.

My accident didn't kill me but I have nearly laughed myself to death reading all this.

( I'm definitely giving up my ROLE as a TOOTH FAIRY and Helecopter riding is right off the menu)

One more to add to the mix::

PUBIC HAIR

Why is Pubic Hair Curly???




Because if it was Straight...





It would POKE your BLOODY EYES out..


Tipster007 :P
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#15 User is offline   Tipster007 

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Posted 02 November 2003 - 09:32 PM

************

If you have got a MOTHBALL in one hand :unsure:

>

And you have got a MOTHBALL in the other hand :unsure:

>

What have you GOT ???


>

>

>

>

>

>

>

A BLOODY BIG MOTH ...
:huh:




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#16 User is offline   BillyBob 

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Posted 03 November 2003 - 06:23 AM

Children's answers to marriage
>
> HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
> You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
> Like,if you like sports, she should like it that you like
> sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
> Alan, age 10
>
> No person really decides before they grow up who
> they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,
> and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
> -- Kirsten, age 10
>
> WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
>
> Twenty-three is the best age because you know the
> person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
>
> No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool
> to get married. -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
>
> HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
>
> You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to
> be yelling at the same kids.
> -- Derrick, age 8
>
> WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
>
> Both don't want any more kids.
> -- Lori, age 8
>
> WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
>
>
> On the first date, they just tell each other lies and
> that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
> Martin, age 10
>
>
> WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
>
> I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all
> the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the
> dead columns.
> -- Craig, age 9
>
> WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
>
> When they're rich.
> -- Pam, age 7
>
> The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
> mess with that.
> -- Curt, age 7
>
> The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you
> should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right
> thing to do.
> -- Howard, age 8
>
> IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
> I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing.
> I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all
> grossed out.
> -- Theodore, age 8
>
> It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
> Boys need someone to clean up after them.
> -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
>
>
> HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
>
> There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't
> there?
> -- Kelvin, age 8
>
> And the #1 Favourite is........
>
> HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
>
> Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks
> like a truck.
> Ricky, age 10
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#17 User is offline   Tipster007 

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  Posted 03 November 2003 - 06:58 PM

To the DUMP to the DUMP to the DUMP DUMP DUMP ...


The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through the desert and after having been in the saddle for several hours they decide to stop by large clump of cactus to relieve their bladders.
Whilst the Lone Ranger was piddling away into the sunset a huge Rattlesnake leapt up and bit him on his penis.
In sheer agony the Lone Ranger rolled around on the desert floor screaming for Tonto to go and get some help quick.
Tonto being his loyal companion immediately leapt on his horse and headed on the two-day journey back to town to get help from the local doctor.
On finally reaching town Tonto rushed into the doctor’s surgery and explained to the doctor what had happened and asked what could be done to help his friend?
The doctor explained to Tonto that there was only one cure for this type of Rattlesnake bite.

“You must place your lips firmly around the area of the snakebite and suck out all of the poisonous venom”

Tonto thanked the doctor and hurriedly set off once again on the two-day horse ride back to the Lone Ranger.
On arriving back Tonto found the Lone Ranger still lying on the desert floor grabbing at his penis and looking very weak and pale.

“Thank God you have finally arrived back he whimpered to Tonto in a fading voice”.


“What did the doctor say?”



Doctor say,
“YOU GUNNER DIE LONE RANGER”




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#18 Guest_flwrznz_*

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Posted 03 November 2003 - 07:32 PM

got to try this.

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#19 User is offline   Tipster007 

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Posted 04 November 2003 - 06:34 PM

:( The Bloody MELBOURNE CUP ????



My horse in the Melboure Cup today ran second Last..

I was so pissed off I rang the Trainer personally and asked him what the hell had gone wrong?

The Trainer started apologizing profusely and said that the horse appeared to be pulling badly to the left when it got into the straight.

I said: "What the hell can you do to stop that?"

The trainer said: I'll need to insert a piece of lead up next to its right ear.

I said: How the hell are you going to do that?

The Trainer said:
...................




With a double barrelled Shot Gun....



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#20 Guest_flwrznz_*

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Posted 05 November 2003 - 07:31 AM

huh.

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