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Marriage Issue, Need some guidance.

#1 User is offline   Spancer 

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Posted 11 July 2017 - 10:14 PM

Hello everyone,

I am recently coming out of very strange relationship. I would like everyone to give their honest opinion for legal, personal and educational purpose. I deeply appreciate people help and to have educational forum like this. I am sharing my true story.

I was married in sometime in 20xx, stayed in marriage for two years but that entire period my spouse did not want to consummate the marriage with me. I kept trying but she did let me reach below the belly button. Moreover, she was over controlling, very bossy and abusive. She used quarrel a lot and many time in anger she tried to cut her hand and also tried to take pills and overdose herself. All the time I snatched the knife or sharp object away from her or chock her nose and take out pills from her mouth. This was not it.

I have had very controlling and dominating in laws and since I was overseas qualified they really wanted me to learn best English as well as get qualified from New Zealand. I do wanted the same too but I could not manage it because I was really unhappy upset and depress with my marriage life. I felt little unsecured and dozy of them from day one because as soon as I entered their home they took my passport away from me and put in to their locker. Also, father in law uttered some phrases that was not welcoming.

Initially, I was patient for about two months. Then my spouse and her parents start putting pressure on me for qualifying exams. I could not manage the situation so I had told her parents about my condition. I thought they will do something about it; may get treatment, counseling or explain things to her to have good marital relationship. In spite of knowing my situation, they put more pressure on for qualifying exams and get a professional job. Actually, I was looking for any job too until I get job in my profession but they were not happy me doing any jobs looking at their family values. They had daily business and during all that time I helped them everyday.

They have had shop downstairs and they used to live upstairs, so I never get chance to go out for any reason. Even if we visit family that would happen after we close the shop and they would be with me. So I was house bound. I never enjoyed outdoor time and I always been a outdoor person. I did not get chance make friends other than my spouse’s siblings and her cosines. Its common sense, I cant share my private life with them or ask those short of questions. I felt suffocated with in house as well as being with limited people. Moreover, after knowing my condition her father warned me not to tell my story and any thing that happens in house to any one. During all this time I wanted to enjoy normal marriage life but never happen.

Then, I was tired of situation and wanted to run away from them by myself. I started looking for assistance on internet such as matrimonial website and making friends on internet so I may get help and escape from them and go some where far away from them. One day, I was on phone with my mum and she started screaming at me and my mum could listen to her. She felt really unsecured about me and got worried and after few days she had heart attack due to extreme emotion. She was really worried about me. She wanted me to call me back to home and promised that if I don’t go she would never talk to me. So I start finding opportunity to run away from them. But that was not possible all the time either my passport was with in laws or she would be with me. Finally after a month I could find a chance while I was traveling alone and passport was with me and she was going to come a week later. I never wanted to run away this way but I had to do it for the sake my terrible life and also my mums promise and her health. Then I booked a ticket online and flew away leaving a message on whats app mentioning problem and word of appreciation for keeping me for a time. Then a bigger drama starts.

I reached to capital city of my native and my brother and his friend came to receive me. I met my uncle and he scold me. Then I went home and they start calling and try to make contact with us but my parents were really angry so they did not answer their phones. Until now my parents did not know about my private life. The second day I went to my uncle and from there I went to professional. I talked to him my private life and other problems that I had with her. He foolish discussed my private life with my uncle and my uncle told my dad and eventually my mum come to know it. Then my mum went really upset with them.

Coincidentally, her grand dad and his wife was coming to my native and she also booked the ticket with them and come to my native. My parents were angry so she could not come to my house. Then her dad came to India. He asked my dad to visit them but my mum also went with my dad to discuss the issues. Her dad is quite rich and send money to one of the elder in his family. He started counting on my mums mistakes. Then, my mums went really angry, she was already upset. Then her dad started being really arrogant and they quarreled over this mater. Her dad recorded everything and spread around. Finally her dad spoke out to take divorce.

Then elder get involved and try to patch us up back. But I was really upset depressed numb and unable to think what to do. My parents were angry. Elder come to house talked to my parents and tried to work out things. Finally, problem did not resolve so in three weeks time she and her dad came to our house with elders to ask me if I want her back. But still I was not sure and they have had divorce letter ready. My father read the letter he thought needed to make some changes so we waited for next day and went to the city and signed the divorce letter. Now, they starts claiming the money they lose through out entire time of marriage. Also, she started playing victim.

They sent few notices from my native as well as from New Zealand. We could not manage to pay so they took us to court. I lived in my native about a year. But they have made our life terrible; court case, they were quite rich so all the relatives even my mums real sibling isolated us. Then, I had to convince my parents and allow me to come to new Zealand. I discuss this mater with my elders and also I read online blogs and similar situations and questioned to people. After positive reply finally I came to New Zealand and since then I am here now and got my residency. But still court claims is on going in my native. It has not been resolve yet.

I want to know in this my situation do I have legal rights to ask for the out from this kind marriage and not to pay their claimed money and stop bothering me. What are my rights in this situation? Please let me know. It has been already really overwhelming. Please help me to get out of this my terrible situation.

Your sincerely,
Spancer
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#2 User is offline   Alan Thomas 

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Posted 12 July 2017 - 12:11 PM

Spancer

Firstly this is an ACC related site and I am confused as to why you would be bringing your issues to the site that discusses accident and rehabilitation issues. Nonetheless you are person in pain and have need of local help which of course I and others will be glad to give.

Was it an arranged marriage?
Has there ever been a relationship of affection between you and your wife even prior to the marriage?
Were you married in India or New Zealand?
New Zealand divorce is quite simple and you may find out the details of what to do at any local courthouse. They will even have brochures that will instruct you on these matters. Basically in New Zealand there does not have to be a reason for a divorce as we have what is called a "no fault" basis for divorce in New Zealand. This means there does not have to be a reason for the failure of the marriage. The procedure would be a separation which has a legal entity in its description. At the end of this period the divorces granted. However if it is agreed that the marriage has never been consummated, which is quite unusual, there may be grounds for instantaneous divorce. However you to your culture this is a most serious action and may make your life difficult for the rest of your life.

Divorce of course is quite drastic action and first we should be looking at what can be recovered if it is not too late.

The first issue we need to be looking at is "damage control".

In order to fix anything you first have to understand what is broken and why it has broken. Some things can be easily facts while other matters can be addressed and fixed with an acceptable level of difficulty what other matters are completely hopeless with absolutely no chance of recovery. It is very important at this stage not to make an emotional decision based on preconceived assumptions.. You need to have the appreciation of the raw facts to be able to stand back and dispassionately analyse the situation. Because you are without doubt a emotionally involved this is difficult.. You are correct to consult others however be careful about the nature of the information you are providing because you are bias in this matter.. This is a lengthy process of someone else taking in the right and relevant information before they can even begin helping in any meaningful way. Nonetheless the following is my immediate appraisal with what information you have provided.

The starting point we always must look at cause-and-effect. It seems to me that the in-laws have a high level of expectation of you and you have not met this expectation. If you had led them to believe that such an expectation would be justified then of course you are now carrying the burden of that situation.. However if this is just an issue of the in-laws seeking to have domination of view and raise you to a higher standard they are going about it the wrong way and the problem needs to be addressed by them adjusting their behaviour.

It seems to me that there is some kind of struggle for authority over you by the in-laws. It could be that the in-laws are pressuring your wife to achieve the results that they wish by instructing her to withhold her affections for you until you comply with the in-laws wishes.. Obviously this is going to destroy the marriage as someone else cannot control another human in the manner you have described.
Whether it was an arranged marriage or not it would seem that you are not meeting the expectations of the inlaws and therefore even your spouse who may be still subservient to them rather than your partner in life.

With regards to your wife you need to have a quiet and kindly discussion with her. What is going to destroy any potential of a love relationship is contempt. Whether she has contempt for you or you have contempt for her is now only a matter of time. You must explain this to her that should she wish to have a loving relationship into old age she needs to invest her whole being into this and in turn this is also what you must do and you must make a commitment with one another that this is what you intend to do and together work out how you are going to achieve this. This part is no one else's business but the recipe is something that I and other members on the site might be able to help you with. Also keep in mind that the horizontal folk dancing that couples normally engage in is not going to be a recipe to repair a broken or breaking marriage but that it is quite essential to promoting a good marriage. Keep in mind that lovemaking is an act of giving rather than something that you simply receive. Love and sexual interaction is not a commodity that can be traded for reward. Good things take time so on this aspect take your time as this problem is not going to resolve any time soon. The other issues must be addressed first. In the meantime look at nature and see how much time and energy many other living creatures suspend in a courtship process. Keep on doing nice things. This does not require spending money and buying gifts but rather giving in other ways such as making a cup of tea. When you come home a pleasant and encouraging greeting. Perhaps a even a light touch to the back of the hand or even kiss on the cheek. What you need to be doing is continuously providing confirmation that your intentions are good with an optimistic outlook. Try to be blameless in regards to your good intent.

There is not a shorter way of contempt than forcing this issue. What is important however is to let her know that you find her attractive and wish these problems to be resolved. At this point you must also let her know that the fastest way for everyone to have contempt for you is if you simply become obedient to their wishes and still fail. This portion is a big subject but going down that road is a no win situation. To be a man you must be able to succeed at the level of which you are capable of succeeding but keeping my full of the environment that you are in. They may be trying to get you to succeed in a no win situation which of course will lead you to very significant despair, particularly if you simply become their puppet yet still fail. What they will do is simply dispose of you anyway and find another puppet.

During the 1990s I sponsored my partner in life into her own business as an immigration consultant. The business flourished until becoming the second largest one New Zealand. Because of my relationship with her I came to know quite a lot about immigration through this together with many of our friends being from overseas. Frequently people would come to me with their problems in much the same way as you have and I have assisted people overcome the difficulties of the transition into a new country.. Obviously if you remained in your home country your career progression would have been quite stable, including the high level of competition. However it is my observation that it is highly unlikely that simply getting a local and higher level of education is going to result in a high level of employment. For example if you go to any dairy or travel in any taxi in New Zealand you will find that most are from overseas with a very large percentage from India who also happen to have very high qualifications from overseas and even from New Zealand yet still struggle to get the expected level of employment.

The problem you are facing that even if you obtained a higher level of local qualification that would not be an end of the matter but rather the in-laws would simply exhibit the same amount of pressure until you got a job that met with their expectation of you.

Good news! Because they have taken your passport away from you they don't want you to run away. This can only mean they still want you but the bad news is that they want you on their terms.

More good news! Your standard of English is superior to most New Zealanders and certainly superior to the average person on the site. However having said that your standard of listening and spoken skills in English is probably below par.. The best solution for this is to watch the news on television and develop friendships with New Zealanders that are not from the country you are from and preferably New Zealanders who have lived here all of their lives in order that you become fluent with the local idioms and culture.

The bad news is that it will be difficult for you to achieve the expected level of employment when you have difficulty fitting in with the staff of the New Zealand company. My experience as an employer is that both myself and my peers would far rather employ someone who fits in over and above someone who has the highest qualification. This means the awful reality is that if you spend your energies on just furthering your education you could be making it more difficult to gain employment. It is difficult to gain employment in a job when your qualifications are far too high for that job because the employer will be thinking they are going to lose you as soon as you can find a more suitable job.

The good news is that you're thinking this properly adjusted by focusing attention on gaining any job that you can manage right now and progressing in a more steady process of acclimatising to New Zealand, both language and culture, in a balanced way and only consider raising your standard of education if there is a clear need and benefit. You also might want to consider self-employment. Use the personal message feature of the site to provide mean your personal details in order that I can provide you advice and both employment and even self-employment. I have even worked as an employment consultant and owned my own employment consultancy while also spending some time as a businessmen mentor assisting small businessmen. New Zealand is one of the easiest countries in the world to start a business which might be a very viable option.

If you register a company, and therefore become a director of the company by the mere fact that you own a company iin your quest to become self-employed you will also automatically gain aa higher level of respect in the eyes of your spouse and your in-laws. However simply registering a company with a dream is just that, a dream. You will need a good business plan. Don't forget that every employee exists as an employee simply because the employer has their idea and dream and has registered company and no doubt started business for some time before starting to employ people. This means that they are only a few steps ahead of the potential of any employee. Further many employees break away from the company that they are working for to start their own company doing exactly the same thing. More good news there are many very cost-effective business courses you can attend to give you the know how to run a business.. The ACC even funded me through one of these courses in 1992, a six week part-time course which was also attended by my overseas partner in life (de facto wife).

With regards to your passport someone taking your passport is actually theft. Further as your passport is not actually your property but the property of the country that is issued you the passport you do not have authority over it. You can do one of two things, report the theft of the police at which time international law requires the police to go and recover that passport on behalf of the country that passport represents.. The police will then return the passport to you, the person passport has been given to by the country. If you feel that would aggravate matters you can simply tell the country that issued the passport that your passport is no longer in your possession and you would like to have a duplicate. As you are overseas you would need to contact your local embassy. Obviously they would like some kind of explanation for their report but this is no biggie. Lost passports are very common which is why you will be issued another one without question. This also might involve a fee.

With regards to any money matters these issues will still need to be resolved no matter what in accordance with normal rules. Frequently people use money for the purposes of control but this does not change the fact as to who owes to what.
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#3 User is offline   Hemi 

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Posted 12 July 2017 - 12:56 PM

View PostAlan Thomas, on 12 July 2017 - 12:11 PM, said:

Spancer

Firstly this is an ACC related site and I am confused as to why you would be bringing your issues to the site that discusses accident and rehabilitation issues. Nonetheless you are person in pain and have need of local help which of course I and others will be glad to give.

Was it an arranged marriage?
Has there ever been a relationship of affection between you and your wife even prior to the marriage?
Were you married in India or New Zealand?
New Zealand divorce is quite simple and you may find out the details of what to do at any local courthouse. They will even have brochures that will instruct you on these matters. Basically in New Zealand there does not have to be a reason for a divorce as we have what is called a "no fault" basis for divorce in New Zealand. This means there does not have to be a reason for the failure of the marriage. The procedure would be a separation which has a legal entity in its description. At the end of this period the divorces granted. However if it is agreed that the marriage has never been consummated, which is quite unusual, there may be grounds for instantaneous divorce. However you to your culture this is a most serious action and may make your life difficult for the rest of your life.

Divorce of course is quite drastic action and first we should be looking at what can be recovered if it is not too late.

The first issue we need to be looking at is "damage control".

In order to fix anything you first have to understand what is broken and why it has broken. Some things can be easily facts while other matters can be addressed and fixed with an acceptable level of difficulty what other matters are completely hopeless with absolutely no chance of recovery. It is very important at this stage not to make an emotional decision based on preconceived assumptions.. You need to have the appreciation of the raw facts to be able to stand back and dispassionately analyse the situation. Because you are without doubt a emotionally involved this is difficult.. You are correct to consult others however be careful about the nature of the information you are providing because you are bias in this matter.. This is a lengthy process of someone else taking in the right and relevant information before they can even begin helping in any meaningful way. Nonetheless the following is my immediate appraisal with what information you have provided.

The starting point we always must look at cause-and-effect. It seems to me that the in-laws have a high level of expectation of you and you have not met this expectation. If you had led them to believe that such an expectation would be justified then of course you are now carrying the burden of that situation.. However if this is just an issue of the in-laws seeking to have domination of view and raise you to a higher standard they are going about it the wrong way and the problem needs to be addressed by them adjusting their behaviour.

It seems to me that there is some kind of struggle for authority over you by the in-laws. It could be that the in-laws are pressuring your wife to achieve the results that they wish by instructing her to withhold her affections for you until you comply with the in-laws wishes.. Obviously this is going to destroy the marriage as someone else cannot control another human in the manner you have described.
Whether it was an arranged marriage or not it would seem that you are not meeting the expectations of the inlaws and therefore even your spouse who may be still subservient to them rather than your partner in life.

With regards to your wife you need to have a quiet and kindly discussion with her. What is going to destroy any potential of a love relationship is contempt. Whether she has contempt for you or you have contempt for her is now only a matter of time. You must explain this to her that should she wish to have a loving relationship into old age she needs to invest her whole being into this and in turn this is also what you must do and you must make a commitment with one another that this is what you intend to do and together work out how you are going to achieve this. This part is no one else's business but the recipe is something that I and other members on the site might be able to help you with. Also keep in mind that the horizontal folk dancing that couples normally engage in is not going to be a recipe to repair a broken or breaking marriage but that it is quite essential to promoting a good marriage. Keep in mind that lovemaking is an act of giving rather than something that you simply receive. Love and sexual interaction is not a commodity that can be traded for reward. Good things take time so on this aspect take your time as this problem is not going to resolve any time soon. The other issues must be addressed first. In the meantime look at nature and see how much time and energy many other living creatures suspend in a courtship process. Keep on doing nice things. This does not require spending money and buying gifts but rather giving in other ways such as making a cup of tea. When you come home a pleasant and encouraging greeting. Perhaps a even a light touch to the back of the hand or even kiss on the cheek. What you need to be doing is continuously providing confirmation that your intentions are good with an optimistic outlook. Try to be blameless in regards to your good intent.

There is not a shorter way of contempt than forcing this issue. What is important however is to let her know that you find her attractive and wish these problems to be resolved. At this point you must also let her know that the fastest way for everyone to have contempt for you is if you simply become obedient to their wishes and still fail. This portion is a big subject but going down that road is a no win situation. To be a man you must be able to succeed at the level of which you are capable of succeeding but keeping my full of the environment that you are in. They may be trying to get you to succeed in a no win situation which of course will lead you to very significant despair, particularly if you simply become their puppet yet still fail. What they will do is simply dispose of you anyway and find another puppet.

During the 1990s I sponsored my partner in life into her own business as an immigration consultant. The business flourished until becoming the second largest one New Zealand. Because of my relationship with her I came to know quite a lot about immigration through this together with many of our friends being from overseas. Frequently people would come to me with their problems in much the same way as you have and I have assisted people overcome the difficulties of the transition into a new country.. Obviously if you remained in your home country your career progression would have been quite stable, including the high level of competition. However it is my observation that it is highly unlikely that simply getting a local and higher level of education is going to result in a high level of employment. For example if you go to any dairy or travel in any taxi in New Zealand you will find that most are from overseas with a very large percentage from India who also happen to have very high qualifications from overseas and even from New Zealand yet still struggle to get the expected level of employment.

The problem you are facing that even if you obtained a higher level of local qualification that would not be an end of the matter but rather the in-laws would simply exhibit the same amount of pressure until you got a job that met with their expectation of you.

Good news! Because they have taken your passport away from you they don't want you to run away. This can only mean they still want you but the bad news is that they want you on their terms.

More good news! Your standard of English is superior to most New Zealanders and certainly superior to the average person on the site. However having said that your standard of listening and spoken skills in English is probably below par.. The best solution for this is to watch the news on television and develop friendships with New Zealanders that are not from the country you are from and preferably New Zealanders who have lived here all of their lives in order that you become fluent with the local idioms and culture.

The bad news is that it will be difficult for you to achieve the expected level of employment when you have difficulty fitting in with the staff of the New Zealand company. My experience as an employer is that both myself and my peers would far rather employ someone who fits in over and above someone who has the highest qualification. This means the awful reality is that if you spend your energies on just furthering your education you could be making it more difficult to gain employment. It is difficult to gain employment in a job when your qualifications are far too high for that job because the employer will be thinking they are going to lose you as soon as you can find a more suitable job.

The good news is that you're thinking this properly adjusted by focusing attention on gaining any job that you can manage right now and progressing in a more steady process of acclimatising to New Zealand, both language and culture, in a balanced way and only consider raising your standard of education if there is a clear need and benefit. You also might want to consider self-employment. Use the personal message feature of the site to provide mean your personal details in order that I can provide you advice and both employment and even self-employment. I have even worked as an employment consultant and owned my own employment consultancy while also spending some time as a businessmen mentor assisting small businessmen. New Zealand is one of the easiest countries in the world to start a business which might be a very viable option.

If you register a company, and therefore become a director of the company by the mere fact that you own a company iin your quest to become self-employed you will also automatically gain aa higher level of respect in the eyes of your spouse and your in-laws. However simply registering a company with a dream is just that, a dream. You will need a good business plan. Don't forget that every employee exists as an employee simply because the employer has their idea and dream and has registered company and no doubt started business for some time before starting to employ people. This means that they are only a few steps ahead of the potential of any employee. Further many employees break away from the company that they are working for to start their own company doing exactly the same thing. More good news there are many very cost-effective business courses you can attend to give you the know how to run a business.. The ACC even funded me through one of these courses in 1992, a six week part-time course which was also attended by my overseas partner in life (de facto wife).

With regards to your passport someone taking your passport is actually theft. Further as your passport is not actually your property but the property of the country that is issued you the passport you do not have authority over it. You can do one of two things, report the theft of the police at which time international law requires the police to go and recover that passport on behalf of the country that passport represents.. The police will then return the passport to you, the person passport has been given to by the country. If you feel that would aggravate matters you can simply tell the country that issued the passport that your passport is no longer in your possession and you would like to have a duplicate. As you are overseas you would need to contact your local embassy. Obviously they would like some kind of explanation for their report but this is no biggie. Lost passports are very common which is why you will be issued another one without question. This also might involve a fee.

With regards to any money matters these issues will still need to be resolved no matter what in accordance with normal rules. Frequently people use money for the purposes of control but this does not change the fact as to who owes to what.


wow -a person of many MORE self employment talents i see-
you could start up another company trading as a marriage guidance counsellor now Thomas.:lol:/>
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#4 User is offline   doppelganger 

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Posted 12 July 2017 - 02:24 PM

View PostAlan Thomas, on 12 July 2017 - 12:11 PM, said:


If you register a company, and therefore become a director of the company by the mere fact that you own a company iin your quest to become self-employed you will also automatically gain aa higher level of respect in the eyes of your spouse and your in-laws. However simply registering a company with a dream is just that, a dream. You will need a good business plan. Don't forget that every employee exists as an employee simply because the employer has their idea and dream and has registered company and no doubt started business for some time before starting to employ people. This means that they are only a few steps ahead of the potential of any employee. Further many employees break away from the company that they are working for to start their own company doing exactly the same thing. More good news there are many very cost-effective business courses you can attend to give you the know how to run a business.. The ACC even funded me through one of these courses in 1992, a six week part-time course which was also attended by my overseas partner in life (de facto wife).




this is the advice of a person who was convicted of fraud for being a consultant in the field that you are asking questions in

You claim you have residency and it looks like the family wanted to come to NZ on your residency. this is illegal in NZ because you have to support your family.

I am sure that the person who made the above statement will back you up in how to get all of your family into NZ now that you have got your residency.
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